GUILT

That word. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said it in a counseling session. “I feel guilty about…” Fill in the blank! There are many options. 

What do I feel guilty about?

• Needing a break from caregiving 

• Getting impatient, frustrated, or upset because of the new responsibilities placed on me

• Taking a trip without my husband

• Changes in our relationship due to the stroke

• Feeling like I’m not doing enough for my husband

• That I still have a “normal” life while his life changed dramatically (he lost his career, independence, driving, etc)

• Making decisions that are best for me

• Enjoying a trip away while he is at home

• Not being there every moment of every day, especially in the hospital or rehab setting

• Missing something medically

• Wishing that things were different

• Not being able to do it all and needing help

Do any of these sound familiar? One of the most common conversations that I have with other caregivers is about these feelings of guilt and how to move past them. 

Honestly I’m not sure that the guilt will ever go away. However, I am learning to handle it differently than I have in the past. I’m getting better at noticing the feelings and then making myself examine where it’s coming from. I follow it up with reminding myself that my life changed dramatically too when he had his strokes. I remember that I am doing the best I can to keep him safe and healthy and give him opportunities to have the most fulfilling life possible. And I matter too. 

In the past, I wore myself so thin, leading to my leave of absence, and I can’t let that happen again. So even though the thoughts of guilt creep in often, I have to keep reminding myself that I matter too. 

You matter too. Monica Vest Wheeler (https://monicavestwheeler.com/) started her weekly caregiver column this week by saying, “Your life is just as worthy as the one you are caring for.” It's so true and yet so easy to forget!

So I continue to try to keep the guilty thoughts at bay, some days more successfully than others. I’ll return to school in a few weeks, determined to take care of myself, knowing that the things I need to continue are important and necessary. 

I matter. You matter. Caregivers matter.